Been looking at this thing at snusauction for a while now.

I can’t decide if it’s completely lame or rad. You stick your snus can in the thing… It’s wacky; that’s for sure. I’m trying to decided 1) if I’d wear it, 2) If I’d put snus in it if I wore it, and 3) How bizarre my coworkers would think I was if I wore it with a tin of snus in it.

“What’s that hat about,” the managing editor might ask me.

“It’s for Gothenburg Rape,” I’d say, not attempting to pronounce it like a Swede or a Frenchman…

“What’s that?”

“My favorite brand of condoms.”

In other news, there’s a new knock-you-on-your-ass snus coming from Skruf. Xtra Stark. The Skruf people have told me that it’s 20 to 30% stronger than Skruf Stark. I’m not sure why they keep the real number secret, but whatever it is, it sounds like it’s an awesome way to get your friends to puke.

This should be out in about a week, check it here.

Finally, I got some Fellinni Mint for Mrs. Snus. She said that it tasted like minty manure. Then she asked me to try it. I passed… maybe another time… maybe another time… [She did have a second one, so either it wasn't really that bad or she likes the taste of shit.]

Review: Mint, mint, mint. I love mint. It’s nearly here. Mid-February, they say. Let’s see… It’s like General mini mint but bigger. That’s clear. It’s also strangely soft… like someone massaged the tobacco before they loaded it into the pouch — probably from the inside of the plant, like kobe. Tastes really nice, minty and reasonably sweet — the one slightly odd thing about this is that it makes your next snus taste kinda wonky. No biggie. Just need to rinse your mouth with some scotch. Scotch, scotch, scotch.

Interestingly, the ingredients on mint and mini mint are different . Mini mint is a “dry” portion, and has less water in it than tobacco. Mint, however, has more water, which may be why it seems softer.

The General Cigar guys have told me on many occasions that they’d been asked for this by their clients and that they’d been pushing for this for a while. The problem was, of course, that they weren’t really moving enough units to make it worth it… Probably still aren’t. But America’s not going to fall in love in a day. I mean, snus, as attractive as it is, isn’t Avatar (dumb) or the Furby (dumber). Nor can it bend over and smile like it wants it in the pooper (awesome).

What does this all mean? I don’t know. But sometimes you get what you want, I guess. And now is one of those times, it seems.

Luckily, this flavor doesn’t need to be loved by Norwegians. Instead you have to like it. And probably your friends, too. And especially all those people who travel to cigar shops seeking out those rare refrigerators. Which is likely where this snus is destined for.

Anyway, it’s the best mint snus out there as far I’m concerned.

Dominant Flavors:
Mint

Buzz Factor:
Average

The Prognosis:
An excellent mint snus. Tingly and tasty.

Dr. Snus Rating:
+++++ (Mint, mint, mint)

Disclaimer:
Products discussed in this blog post were provided by Swedish Match.

Since a few of you have asked about where to get some of the General swag, here are some links:

General Bullet Proof @ snus.com with 5 rolls of General Portion.
General hat @ clubsnus with 2 rolls of any General snus. [I wear this hat every day.]
Goteborgs Rape speaker @ buysnus with 2 rolls of Goteborgs. They also have the hat deal, but it looks like it’s just for GOP.

Of course, there’s always snusauction if you’re really itching to spend your money. Now Bullet Proof is going for over $100. Heck, I’m tempted to buy 5 rolls of General just to sell the thing and make off with the snus. At $2.66 per tin, 50 tins would cost $133, plus $20.44 shipping. Grand total: $150.44, or about $3.01 per tin. Now let’s say we sell that tin for $100. New total: $50.44, or about $1.01 per tin.

Heck, if someone wants to pay me $100 for my Bullet Proof — as yet unshot — I’ll just go buy another one and get 50 tins of snus for $50, too.

Let me know.

January is almost through. It’s been a tough month for snus fans. We learned Claq Qui and General Maxi are being retired. I ordered a good amount of each, and am currently using a Claq.

But there was something odd about my tin of Claq. I saw a sign. Take a look:

That’s right. The Virgin Mary appeared in my Claq Qui. I’m certain this means that God thinks it should not be discontinued…

Now if only there was a website that I could sell this on…

There is this new thing buysnus is doing, it’s an auction site where you can buy swag and snus, snusauction.com. [I'd hyperlink if it were cool or they paid me...] It’s been up for a few days and it’s basically a place to spend a lot of money on things with snus logos printed on them. I’m interested in the General Hat with the old logo on it, but it’s already too much for a beanie… and the Bulletproof is crazy, but I don’t know what it will retail for. It could be a steal.

Anyway, it’s a one-way auction. Buysnus sells, you buy. Maybe I can get them to list my special can of Claq…

Turns out the bucket-o-snus aka snusx is a v2 product. I now think it’s pretty clever, as I understand it. Let’s say you paid a weight-based tax on snus. The stuff is half water, which means you pay half your tax to buy water. Here in Texas, that’s fairly substantial. The tax is about $1.30 per ounce, but the minimum tax on any container of smokeless tobacco is $1.30 even if it’s less than an ounce. This adds $1.30 to a pack of discreet, a tin of General Mini Mint, or a tin of General Original. Since General loose is more than an ounce, it gets hit with the full tax, proportionally.

So, a solution to minimize the tax? Put all the snus into one container and take all the water out. If this is 480 portions (2 rolls), it should weigh 240 grams — about 8.5 ounces — adding $11 to the price tag here ($1.3 x 8.5 ounces). Add the water back in and it doubles your tax to $22.00 ($1.3 x 17 ounces). Now, put it into 20 separate containers of 24 grams, and you pay $26.00 ($1.3 x 20 containers of smaller than an ounce).

It’s nearly giving you a 60% tax break.

Neat, right?

Now it’s not the most attractive container… but this isn’t a big-money-baller snus.

Actually it doesn’t look half bad. Can you imagine how totally fucking stupid it would be, say, if V2 bought a farm to make snus on, discovered 100,000 shitty buckets laying around and decided to put its snus in there. Wouldn’t that just be the stupidest thing you ever heard…

Well that’s apparently the story of Gajane’s new Olde Viking — except it wasn’t a farm, it was the worst snus factory in Europe and it wasn’t a bucket, it was a hollow hockey puck. Apart from that distinction, it’s also fermented instead of pasturized and has probably the dumbest name in snusedom (until v2 goes ahead with Billionaire [please don't]).

Finally, Mrs. Snus has taken a liking to General Mini Mint. So, tragedy averted, for now.

Looks like some of you got your wish… A full size general mint looks like it’s on the way and will be available next month.

And what’s this SnusX? A bucket of make your own portion snus? Make your own portion sounds like a marketing ploy to get you to buy crappy portions. But it might be worth trying as it costs about half as much per portion as most snus.

So, I just heard that the winners have begun to receive their swag from the giveaway. “What? It’s nearly the end of January,” you may say, “nearly four weeks since they were announced.” Well, I don’t go to the post office. I tried for a while but the one my PO box is at changed its hours after I got it and now it’s pretty much useless. So, I gave the packages to my wife to send. She took them to work, got busy as she was taking a trip to Nicaragua, and left them to sit for a few weeks while she looked at tobacco fields. Sure, I could have sent them myself, but I figure most of you need more snus like you need another rectum.

Meanwhile, scouring the web for snus deals, I saw that — after several weeks off — Offroad American Wintergreen Long Cut has found its way back home to getsnus’s deals page. Usually, when I know something sucks, I don’t want to buy it. But something about ORAWGLC makes me want to send my six quarters over to getsnus to get some.

Nah, fuck it. I’ll be pissed off and want my quarters back.

And finally, my wife has run out of Catch Fresh Peppermint — the only snus she pretends to like. Catch… if you’re out there… more peppermint mini snus please. [she made me type this, I don't care]

So, I scored a pretty awesome hoodie. I wear this kind of shit all the time, so when I saw it, I was stoked.

Except one problem…

Right under the General logo is a little thing that says “This product is not a safe alternative to cigarettes.”

And guess what… there’s another on the back, too.

It makes something that is awesome almost unwearable… but I had a plan…

I was able to get the warning off the rad hat I got. But that was stitched on — five minutes with a knife and it was off.

It went from this:

To this:

The hoodie warning, however, is ironed or printed or something fancy… Knife doesn’t seem to do much… now what?

I read up on removing this kind of thing online… There are several options but one sounds the most promising.

Basically, you iron it off. By using wax paper in between the iron and the bullshit warning, magic properties of heat+wax are supposed to remove it…

One thing I didn’t consider was just how long this would take.

After about 25 minutes and nine feet of wax paper, we went from this:

to this:

An improvement, but it’s still there and I no longer care. Maybe I’ll give it a another try some time soon…

Stupid snus warnings.

Disclaimer:
Products discussed in this blog post were provided by Swedish Match.

Mellow is kind of a dirty word when it comes to snus. Yet that’s the name of the new Catch…

Review: I’m not sure I’m confident enough with my sexuality to carry this tin… Still, mellow is a neat snus. You might not guess it from the pink tin, but Mellow is more subtle than some of our previous Catch flavors. It’s earthy, and tastes something like grass. Perhaps that’s the rhubarb. My faint memory of rhubarb tells me the stuff is tart. And the snus is not tart like I expected it to be, but the flavor has an element that I can only describe as an untart homage to tartness. Nor is it sweet. This is not some kind of rhubarb dessert. It’s more like an earthy plant, subdued.

Dominant Flavors:
Earthy vegetation

Buzz Factor:
Mild, unless you have four in your face like I do now.

The Prognosis:
A nice mild snus that’s gives out interesting earthy flavors.

Dr. Snus Rating:
+++ (Pink)

I also am stealing some pictures from a mysterious guy on twitter who has tins of the next two catch flavors after Mellow: Glow and Ease.

Glow is Elder Lime — which is next after Mellow — and Ease is Ginger Orange.

Interesting… Here’s another pic:

Disclaimer:
Products discussed in this blog post were provided by Swedish Match.

I still don’t quite understand nicotine-free snus — probably never will. Seems a lot like non-alcoholic beer. I mean, if you decide your not going to drink, why not have some tea or something? But snus is kind of a different monster. At least if you were to go alcohol free you could drink something. That is, there’s an alternative to sipping on alcohol and getting fucked up — drinking some lemonade or whatever instead. Sure, it’s not exactly the same thing, but there’s something. Now, let’s say you want to get off nicotine for some reason. Why? I don’t know. Perhaps your buddy bet you that you couldn’t do it, or your doctor told you some lie about it. What else is there to put in your face other than tobacco? It’s a little odd to put pennies or receipts or pocket lint or turkey up there. This, I assume, is the role played by most nicotine-free snus.

Then, there’s nicotine-free snus that delivers something else. The point, I gather, isn’t just ersatz snus, but rather to get something else entirely into your system.

Review: Onico Plus is something of an energy snus — and perhaps a aphrodisiac. Ginseng has been used for these two things for years. Keep in mind, just because it’s used for something doesn’t mean it does this. And guarana is some plant that mirrors caffeine. So… let’s see if I get the jitters — or an erection — from this Onico Plus.

[10 minute time lapse]

Hmm. Nothing happening that I can tell. I’ll add another Onico.

[10 minute time lapse]

Still nothing. Let’s double it again.

[10 minute time lapse]

Maybe I did get a little wake up here. It’s hard to say. Although there is definitely nothing stirring my pants. Wait… no. I guess snus alone just isn’t enough these days… even four at a time. How jaded I’ve become…

Onico Plus smells and tastes like a redbull. I don’t really know how else to describe that smell/flavor. Kind of dusty/sweet/medically/fruity, I guess.

If I were a snus company, I’d get my scientists working on this shit. Imagine not a Redbull snus, but a vodka redbull snus. That would be revolutionary and bring in countless new customers… as well as lawsuits and perhaps regulation. But awesome.

Dominant Flavors:
Redbull

Buzz Factor:
None. Well, the caffeine content may get you going… I drink too much coffee.

The Prognosis:
Interesting snus, but the lack of tobacco limits just how interesting it is to me.

Disclaimer:
Products discussed in this blog post were provided by Swedish Match.

By chance, I wound up with a tin of Thunder Berry. I’ll tell you this, my friends, I wasn’t expecting it. Nor was expecting it to be good. Bam. The Thunder Machine did it this time. Quite a nice snus. Let’s go over the details.

Review: This relatively new line of Thunder comes in a red tin. But it’s not quite the shade of red as the picture I stole of it from Snus Express. It’s a little darker, and looks much better. I could use my camera, to take a picture, but I’m far too lazy today. So instead I’ll try to use a thousand words to describe the picture I should have taken… no. It’s red. Whatever.

Tearing open the top, you can hear the delicate sound of this snus. A smell begins to enter my nose… is it ammonia? windex? death? no, no, none of these. It’s a pleasing bouquet of berry goodness. Not, mind you, some sort of Nyquil, artificial-cough-drop candy smell, but a fresh fruit smell. How could this be? What is this Thunder Berry? Strawberry? Cranberry? Huckleberry? Blueberry? Gooseberry? Crowberry? Falberry? Vaginaberry?

I don’t know. It’s a blend of some of sort, the name suggests, but the recipe I do not know.

Inviting so far, yes. The alluring red, the sweet smell of fresh berries. But all is not quite ideal. Yes, well it looks like cat shit, but don’t let that deter you. It’s delicious nonetheless. Perhaps it’s best you open your mouth and close your eyes. You can trust me. I’m a doctor.

It tastes much like it smells — less sweet than I thought it would be. Yes, it’s sweet, but I imagined that I was about to toss a lifesaver (that looked like a cat turd) in my face. Not the case. Oh no. Oh no. It’s not the case at all. Instead, you see, it’s very pleasant. Mildly sweet and quite delicious… especially for something that looks like it belongs in a sand box. [Warning: Do Not pull a treasure out of a sand box and stick it in your face. It will not taste like Thunder Berry.]

The flavor covers the tobacco, but wanes in about 30 minutes to something a little tart — although less pungent — and the tobacco flavor reveals itself. It’s not the best part of this snus, but it’s certainly still snusable — until the full effects of the 16mg of nicotine start to hit me over the head.

Although it’s strong, it doesn’t seem as strong as the other Thunder I’ve had. This could be a mirage or I could be less of a wimp this week. I don’t know.

Dominant Flavors:
Berries

Buzz Factor:
Strong

The Prognosis:
A unique and tasty snus. Looks like cat shit.

Dr. Snus Rating:
++++ (Not actually cat shit)