General Snus Gear & Bullet Proof
General has gotten a little darker lately. Sure, black’s the color but now the gear is perfect for a crime spree. Check out what General snus gear transforms your mild mannered DrSnus into:
A black hat and a black bandanna pretty much murder me out.
While this gear is awesome, one concerning thing is that all this loot has false warnings on them. You’ve seen them:
and 
These are lies. I implore the government revoke the law that requires these. Or if they insist on being alarmist dumb-fucks, change the warnings into something less stupid sounding. Some suggestions:
How’s that for alarmist?
Speaking of which, I got my Bullet Proof General Tin.
It’s perfect for those of us run around at night wearing General gear… You simply stick your favorite tin of regular sized snus in there — preferably a black one — without the lid on, and rock and roll.
It looks like only the bottom of this thing might be bullet proof, which should be more than enough protection for most snus. Just be sure to keep it in your pocket with the bottom of the can facing out.
Disclaimer:
Products discussed in this blog post were provided by Swedish Match.
December 29th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I particularly DO NOT like that “This product is not a safe alternative to cigarettes.” Well, I quit smoking with snus and my health is MUCH improved. So which part of that makes sense? GRRRRR!
December 30th, 2009 at 12:27 am
Why doesn’t snus come with accurate warning labels? That pisses me off. There were no warnings to the ACTUAL side effects I experienced. Let me help the FDA out here with some suggestions:
WARNING: Snus will make your penis larger.
WARNING: Opening snus while in the presence of two hot chicks will result in an immediate threesome.
FOR erections lasting longer than three hours, discontinue use of Extra Sterk immediately and consult a streetwalker.
SNUS may make your breath kind of funky, which as you know, slutty chicks totally dig
WARNING: Using snus while performing cunnilingus will result in some interesting flavors.
WARNING: Using snus while performing fellatio can result in unexpected choking, followed by uproarious laughter and sentence fragments like “LULZ you just got pwned!” by the (mostly) underage audience viewing you on webcam.
WARNING: Snus may cause mouth cancer. LOL Just fucking with you. Snus fucking ROCKS!
WARNING: The only battle that Chuck Norris ever lost was when he fought snus. Snus is also rumored to be the true cause of death for both Bruce and Brandon Lee. Also, “Mr. T” is short for “Mr. Tre Ankare”, because he got tired of constantly correcting George Peppard’s mispronunciation of “Tree Anger”. Also, Black portions were created at the behest of Glen Danzig, who claimed that white portions “weren’t dark enough.”
WARNING: You know the hot redheaded chick with glasses that’s always at the Starbucks on South Congress? She’ll totally blow you for some snus.
WARNING: Although snus is safer than pretty much anything out there including tap water and cooked meat, we assholes in the Federal Government hate seeing people derive pleasure from anything at all, so we’re taking it upon ourselves to cockblock this can of General so that you are left seeking other fun alternatives to snusing, like for example:
1. Paying Taxes
2. Pledging allegiance to some fucking flag or some shit
3. Joining the military
4. Blasting “God Bless America” out of your Chevy while you cruise through minority neighborhoods
5. Listing Barack Obama as a personal reference on your Postal Clerk entrance exam application
6. Continuing to place those Osama Bin Laden urinal cakes inside truckstop restrooms
7. Screaming “Y’alls a bunch of damned Chinese communists!” while the security guards at Wal-Mart tackle you after attempting to shoplift the edited version of Jay Z’s “The Black Album”
8. Telling your buddy not to mention “Mary Jane” by name on the telephone, since the Patriot Act means “those fucking Narc’s are all up in my shit, bro.”
9. Pointing to the upraised flag behind you and saying “These colors don’t run motherfucker” to the census worker that’s trying to put you in some damned database like 1984 or something.
10. Shouting “You should’ve bought American, you fat bitch!” to the woman in the Taco Bell parking lot who is waiting for AAA to tow her disabled Hyundai.
WARNING: We sent Obama a link to the online petition you signed last month begging for the right to order your snus through the mail. You know what he said? He was like “What the fuck is snus?” Then he looked up at Biden and was like “Seriously, what is it? Like, some kind of tobacco or something?” Biden was all like “Fuck if I know” and Obama was like “Fuck ‘em.” Then he clicked over to youtube to watch that video where the cat is stuck in the dude’s sweater sleeve. That shit is hilarious.